One of the things that I have consistently found most fascinating since discovering my ADD and the science of ADHD in general, is the concept of coping mechanisms.
All human beings, whether they have attention deficit disorder or not, develop over the course of their lifetime, a set of skills (for lack of a better term) that allows them to get by in life. These skills range from the most basic, like tying your shoe, to much more complicated ones, like initiating and developing a romantic relationship with another person. Coping mechanisms are a specific subset of these life skills. A coping mechanism is a skill or habit that develops in order to compensate for something, whether it is a some sort of shortcoming, some form of emotional discomfort, or simply to take the edge off of life’s many potential disappointments. One common coping mechanism is emotional eating, where a person eats either certain foods, or large amounts of food, in an effort to make themselves feel better.
Common ADD Coping Mechanisms
For adults with ADHD, recognizing and understanding coping mechanisms is an important component of non-medication attention deficit hyperactivity disorder treatment. True coping mechanisms are mental or behavioral in nature, as opposed to functional. In other words, the constant adjustments and refinements we make everyday are not coping mechanism. The habits, skills, and emotional responses we develop over long periods of time are coping mechanisms.
For example, always placing your keys in the same place is a method of doing something, not necessarily a coping mechanism. That is simply an attempt at perfecting the flow of your current lifestyle. However, being someone who is always compulsive about keeping everything in its assigned location, is a coping mechanism.
Like everyone, people with ADHD have good coping mechanisms, and bad coping mechanisms. Recognizing the good ones provides a starting point for developing new coping techniques or expanding upon already useful coping methods. Recognizing the negative coping mechanisms provides a starting point for lifestyle adjustments that hopefully, lead to the eventual disappearance of said habit. Detecting and adjusting the mental attitude that often accompanies negative coping responses is also a good place to start when it comes to therapy or ADHD coaching.
Blaming Yourself For ADHD or Blame Others?
One of the most intriguing things about common ADHD coping mechanisms is how they may or may not apply to any one person. Even more interesting is how the same mechanism can be flipped upside in some people that have ADHD.
One of the very common coping mechanisms for adults with ADHD is to blame supposed character or personality flaws for certain things. For example, a woman with ADD who can’t seem to do any job beyond answering phones because she is never organized enough for anything more advanced, may eventually take the edge off of such disappointments by laughingly noting that she is, “just a space cadet sometimes.” Unfortunately, this all too common side effect of ADHD, is not only surprisingly effective at blunting the hurt of disappointment, but also at making one resigned to never striving for anything else.
Reading about this coping method, or its variations, in book after book left me skipping chapters and writing off certain advice, because it never really seemed to apply to me. I’ve always been very confident in my abilities, often getting jobs, projects, and responsibilities beyond my current skill level. Fortunately, I’m also quick to learn when either the interest or immediately looming threat of disaster is strong enough. But, I thought, I’ve never really blamed myself.
Ironically, it turns out that I use the blame coping mechanism just as much (or more) than most people with ADHD, the only difference is that I blame other people.
Many ADHD books, including the oft mentioned, Hallowell books, Driven To Distraction and Delivered From Distraction are written by successful individuals who claim to have ADD themselves. In one of the books, Hallowell, who is a successful doctor, describes his thriving medical practice and his extensive work with ADD patients before saying that he, himself, also suffers from ADHD.
As I read that passage soon after being diagnosed with adult ADHD, I couldn’t help rolling my eyes. Hallowell, I figured, was lying in order to boost his credibility in the area of ADD. After all, I thought, he went to medical school, graduated, became a doctor and developed a successful medical practice, just how bad could his ADHD be? Oh, my gosh! Did he have to use sticky notes to keep track of assignments? Oh, the horror!
The truth is, that I despised Hallowell and his success as a doctor and subsequently an author. The reason is that instead of blaming myself, I blame others. When Hallowell, and his “I barely have ADD” colleagues go out and build these big, successful careers, fat bank accounts, and speaking tours, I reasoned, it hurts those of us who REALLY have ADHD.
I’ve thought that way my whole life.
“I’m the smart one. The only reason he is doing better in school is because he studies EVERY NIGHT.”
“I could have started up an Internet business, but I didn’t want to spend every single day working in my basement.”
The tragedy is that until recognizing what I was doing, I took much of it as a badge of honor.
I graduated from High School near the top of my class. I got all A’s except in English where I got B’s. I could have gotten A’s in English, but I never did homework. Literally, NEVER. I did my schoolwork during the class before the class it was due in. So, I did my Algebra homework for second period during my History class at first period. The one thing I couldn’t quite get done like that were long essays. So, every time an English paper was due, I would start it during the class before it was due, but I wouldn’t finish it. I’d have to wrap it up the next day. It was still an A paper, but with the one letter grade penalty for being late, it became a B.
I was proud of that as I left high school. You see, grades or no grades, I was faster, smarter, and better than everyone else. Those kids who left with a 4.0 where the chumps, not me. They were the ones who wasted their free time actually doing homework.
Unfortunately, not recognizing the truth cost me a lot in college where I not only continued the same pattern, but actually expanded it. In high school, attendance was required. Between parents, teachers, and administrators, the path of least resistance was going to class. Coming up with an excuse, sneaking out the door, and then trying to keep my parents from getting a phone call or note about my absence was way more work than just going to classes, so I went.
At college, that was no longer the case. In college, no one called my parents, most professors didn’t know whether you were there or not. The path of least resistance became not going to classes, and I didn’t go. My new pattern became:
- Go to class one or two times and get syllabus.
- Use syllabus to find exam dates and due dates of essays or projects.
- Stop going to class.
- Go to the class the day before the exam to get review sheets and any changes about what would be covered.
- Hurriedly read through the textbook chapters that would be on the exam.
- Take test.
- Surf the curve to a B or C.
- Start any essay or project the night before it was due. Work on it until it was “good enough.” Surf curve to C.
During my Junior year, I literally attended my Geography class 5 times the entire semester. I got an A.
The only exceptions were the classes where the professor actually took attendance and docked your grade if you missed classes. In every one of those classes, I got an A, because I actually went. Ironically, I seldom paid much attention while I was in the class. I read the student newspaper, worked on other classes’ homework, or just daydreamed. But, looking up at the board and hearing a paragraph here and there was enough to let some of the information sink in. More importantly, it was enough to give me an idea of what the professor felt was important.
For years after graduating, I proudly told anyone who asked that I graduated with a 2.14 GPA, but, I added, I never really went to class or did any of homework. I don’t know if anyone was ever impressed by that. Not that it matters.
The true tragedy is that I didn’t do anything else. There would be some redeeming value in how I spent my 4 years on campus if I had gotten in a 100 day ski season, or spent sunny days hiking, biking, or doing ANYTHING. Instead, I mostly slept in, napped, and messed around on my computer. The only good to come out of it was that in those days, the Internet was a text based Unix system. There were no web browsers, just FTP, vi editor, GREP, UUENCODE, and so on. In the end, I knew a lot about how to use computers, which meant I didn’t have to figure out how to get a job in Chemistry with no professor recommendation (none of them would have recognized me), no summer lab work, and no internships. Instead, I got a job as a computer administrator and quickly became certified in numerous technologies just as the technology bubble started ramping up.
Of course, the blaming cope strategy didn’t go away. I always felt that I should be the project manager or the startup millionaire or whatever, but I never was. The reason was simple, I could have been, but they just worked harder, tried harder, or refused to give up. Not me. Those suckers.
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These days, I try not to blame others for their success, nor assume that I would be twice as successful under the “slightly different” circumstances of me actually busting my butt to make something happen. But, like most attitudes developed over decades, it can be hard to keep up, and even harder to see when it is happening.
His explanation of his approach to college classes was spot on. I handled college and grad school exactly the same way. Got a 3.9 undergrad and 3.6 in grad school. The only classes I didn’t ace were the ones in which my professors docked your grade for attendance.
I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD for over 10 years after I graduated from grad school. It amazes me to read about others with ADHD and see my own issues and coping skills reflected.
This article could have been written by me…if I’d even known that there were others out there with the same sort of coping mechanisms (as a matter of fact, just reading this first sentence sounds a lot like some of the excuses you discussed above).
I graduated college with a 2.00 GPA. Frankly, while most would be embarrassed by this number, I took pride in the fact that I graduated by doing the least amount of work necessary. When I saw other “suckers” with higher GPAs, I almost felt sorry for them. “Look how much time they wasted studying for the same piece of paper!”
What’s interesting too is that, like the author above, when I’ve seen others accomplishing more than myself, I’ve never been jealous of their feats as I’ve always assured myself that I am better than they are and that I could easily accomplish more if I just sat down and focused.
A brief background on me reveals that I’ve had 7 jobs since college (15 years ago) and have been fired from every single one. I’ve always thought it was because I was lazy, but as a Sales Person, my numbers have always either been average or above average amongst my peers. What has happened though is that my managers have been so frustrated with me that they’ve let me go. While my colleagues worked hard consistently, I usually wouldn’t work for days at a time and then towards the “end of the quarter” would work so feverishly that I would hit or exceed my goals. I see now how frustrating this must have been for my bosses: “If only he’d work that hard ALL OF THE TIME”.
Anyway, today I’ve started my own business and have become very successful. However, I still only work on my strange schedule. Most of the day I will surf the internet, play video games, or watch porn. These things are VERY distracting, and I am frustrated because I could be so much more successful if I eliminated just ONE of those distractions (I literally WORK five hours a week out of forty and mess around for the rest of the time – see the length of this post as an example).
Over the years, I too have come up with coping mechanisms that I’ve used, and they’ve served me well enough to get by. I write down what I must do (ie. make a list) and then cross that item off once done. As it turns out, I’ve done this for years and never realized that it was a coping mechanism. I’ve also listed steps that must be done when I’m working on something big. I never realized this was also a classic coping mechanism either.
However, I have recently started a new (and previously unheard of I believe) coping mechanism that has been really working for me. I told it to a friend of mine that has been diagnosed with ADHD, and he is the one that explained that it is a definite sign that A). I have ADHD, and B). Am using a coping mechanism to deal with it.
The reason I came up with this coping mechanism (game) is because I literally have dozens of things I want to work on every single day (from creating patents, writing screenplays, launching websites, to creating new businesses) and as a consequence of my ADHD, I don’t do a single thing. Not one. In my mind, there are so many ideas that I want to work on that the thought of tackling them has become overwhelming. As a result I have basically become “paralyzed”. So, as I’ve mentioned, I’ve come up with a “game” that seems to work for me.
Here is what I’ve come up with, and I hope it helps others too: I have bought different colored marbles and placed them in a jar. Each color represents something that I need to accomplish (writing a screenplay, developing a patent, etc.). Once I reach in to the jar, I pull out a color that has a denotation of what needs to be done – this works for me because I am not consciously choosing what needs to be done. If I pull out a color for a business I want to work on, I work on that for the day. However, if I pull out a “Patent” marble, I then go to ANOTHER jar (I have a total of 4 jars) that is also filled with colored marbles that denote a patent I want to work on. I then pull out a marble from that jar and work on the particular patent that I’ve chosen. I do the same for the screen plays I want to work on and websites I want to start.
Anyway, the above seems to work for me. It takes the decision process out of my hands (which for whatever reason seems to be my biggest problem) and forces me to work on one project for the day.
Lastly, I should point out that I am an entrepreneur (perhaps not by choice since no other employer has been willing to overlook my attention/procrastination shortcomings) and that seems to have worked out best for me. My friend that has ADHD is also an entrepreneur too. Maybe ADHD people should own their own businesses? I don’t know.
Thank you for reading and for listening to my story, I hope it helps others. Most importantly though, thank you for posting this article – it has made me feel better about myself and has helped me better understand some of the coping mechanisms I use to combat my ADHD.
This could have been me, but I graduated with a 2.007 from college. At 50, I’m now trying to learn to deal with the ADD. I am functioning, but very scatter brained and am looking for ways to cope.
Thanks so much! I can’t believe other people actually feel and behave the same way I do-my parents never took me to a psychiatrist and I’m not really interested in taking medication…so I’m in college now after never doing work in prep school but coasting by. It’s so hard; it only takes one paper written the night before and getting away with it to teach me at the age of ten basically to never do work:(
Thanks for stopping by and for your comment.
I know how you feel about learning to never work. I took some solace in a recent piece I saw by Ricky Jarvis. It wasn’t about ADD per se, but he mentioned how he never had to really try and how some early success kept him taking it for granted. He went on to say that he never worked as hard as he could on something in his entire life until The Office. I hope to have that experience someday as well.
Blame, What a wonderfull comparison and contrast to the article. I found that between both perspectivs I am humbled to admit what my doctor suggested – “Undiagnosed ADHD.” The Doc made the point that I am lucky, that most people undiagnosed have self destructed long before age 50 (I am 53 and have been suffering sypmtoms of depression for 6 years before seeking advice). He sugested a higher level of intellegence and being brought up in very loving yet strict environment help get me to where I am without all the troubles.
I think the point about coping with blame was more minifested in resentment as my coping mechanism. I scooted along in a tough catholic education sytem by paying attention barely enough to pass (daydreaming contantly). Much like the author whatever I did seemd to be very effective for getting by in public high school where my grades were quite good despite the flakey way I involved myself in studies. College was a bit harder in subjects I did not like much but the last two years were easiest because much of the subject matter was in my areas of interest.
I saw a stat on line that only 5 percent of undiagnosed ADHD ever graduate college. Ironically, at age 50, I am a project manager and find being the leader has been a positive coping mechanism. Being responsible to mentor others with input and evaluation is an incredible motivator to focus and pay attention.
“Blame” mentions the unique range of talents in the ADHD gifts (because they are gifts – with my highly developed imagination I am second to none at quickly figuring out creative solutions to problems traditional thinkers cannot get to) . But it does leed to resentment which is a negative coping mechanism for me. It comes out of an intense feeling of intelectual superioty to those I see in formal authority, who got there only becaue they “fit in” and that was never my forte’. Because it is so accepted “that’s just how it is,” the resentment is deep, long standing, and very often a justified feeling (and mechanism). Sad indeed!
This mirrors a lot of my own experience, but the major difference is that I did not feel anything more than envy for the successs of others and performed much worse in education. My problem was not avoiding the work, but spending 10X more time trying to actually do anything other than what was screaming for attention in my head than actually doing.
I do however think that a portion of the blame rests with a society that cannot and will not let us be ourselves; be strong instead of weak and actually help us to exploit our true potential. I think of myself as differently-abled, not disabled.
Adders are not jacks of all trades; I can tell people how to use and implement project management techniques, but I can’t do it well myself. I can understand a complex concept, but I can’t remember directions for more than two turns down the road or tell left from right. It is the subtle difference in the range of things we are good at to non-ADHD individuals that makes us hard to fathom or accept – we don’t fit social expectations and we/they are still trying to hammer us into thier socially constructed mould of what we should be.
I don’t need accomodations, I need the flexibility to use my good bits, but these are often held back by the things I am not able to do well or at all in the workplace. I am told I must come up with the answers, but my own solutions are deamed too expensive or not appropriate
That said we are all different, ADDers are more different than the others! I think I may also have some type of cognitive disability that I need to understand and overcome, somebody else may have other differences with thier ADHD. Perhaps it is not a spectrum, but a 3D matrix. I never felt clever or better, but apparently I test as suchlike the author may well do, but after all what is in an IQ number or success?
I prefer happiness as my gauge of acheivement, sadly both education and work have a habit of swinging this well into the red.